Michael: All right? Everybody pretty? Come on. Here we go. It's time. Let's do some good.
Toby: Hey, we're not all going to sit in a circle Indian style are we? [Laughing]
Michael: Get out.
Toby: I'm sorry.
Michael: No, this is not a joke. OK? That was offensive and lame. So double offensive. This is an environment of welcoming and you should just get the hell out of here.

Michael: Here is Toby from Human Resources. Katy, Toby.
Katy: Hi
Toby: Hi, nice to meet you.
Michael: Toby, Katy.
Toby: Hey, um did you go to uh, Bishop O'Hara?
Katy: Yeah.
Toby: Yeah, me too.
Katy: Cool. What year were you there?
Toby: Eighty-nine.
Michael: Toby's divorced. He uh, guh recently, right?
Toby: Yeah.
Michael: You and your wife, and you have kids.
Toby: A girl.
Michael: Oh that so - that was really messy. He slept one night in your car too?
Toby: [looks resigned]
Katy: I should probably get back to my table.
Michael: Okay. Alright. Cool. See ya in a bit. [looks at picture on Toby's desk] Oh, she's cute. Cutie-pie. Back to work.

Michael: Toby is in HR which technically means he works for Corporate. So he's really not a part of our family. Also he's divorced so he's really not a part of his family.

Michael: Everyone! Hello! Everyone. Hi! Sorry to interrupt. I know you're all busy and the last thing you want is for a major interruption. But Toby has an announcement that he insists on making right now in the middle of the day. [to Toby] So, take it away.
Toby: Yeah, okay. Corporate would like us to do a five minute review of the Company Sexual Harassment policy so I'll go over that later.
Michael: I wish you luck, Toby. I really do. But you are going to have a mutiny on your hands and I just can't wait to see how you handle it.

Michael: Did he tell you everything? Obviously, he didn't because you all still look relatively happy. Albeit bored. Do you realize what we're losing? Seriously?

Toby: Michael...
Michael: Hey, Toby.
Toby: Any word on those time cards?
Michael: I've got an idea: why don't you leave right now. Why don't you walk away from the room, 'kay?

Toby: We want to go home.
Michael: Well, you don't even have anyone to go home to, Toby.

Toby: Aren't the suggestions meant for you?
Michael: Well, Toby, if by me you are inferring that I have B.O., then I would say that is a very poor choice of words.

Toby: We're really not supposed to serve alcohol.
Michael: Zip it, Toby! Just .. I mean, it's a party. Come on. If I can't throw a good party for my employees, then I am a terrible boss. Who wants a drink?








Michael: [loud noise in bathroom] No! Guh! OW! Awww, help, help me!
Toby: What, what happened?
Michael: I fell off the toilet. I'm caught between the toilet and the wall.
Toby: What do you need?
Michael: Ugh, not you. Someone else. Get Pam.
Toby: I don't think Pam's gonna want to come into the men's room.
Michael: Get Ryan. He needs to lift me. [Ryan shakes his head] and he needs to clean me up a little bit. Bring a wet towel.
Toby: Ryan, is, uh, dead.
Michael: No, he's not.
Toby: Dead.
Michael: I just saw him.
Toby: No. Can't, can't you just get up yourself? I... You only grilled your foot.
Michael: Ugh, forget it. I'll just get up myself. No! Uh, aaaahhh! Ah! Oh God

Michael: Everyone. Guys. Circle up, please. Come on over. Bring your chairs. Toby, come on over. You're a guy... too... sort of. Let's do this!

Toby: Been to Amsterdam.
Michael: Oh ho hokay. You know what? That's not a toast. You're not standing up.
Toby: [mimes lifting a glass] To Amsterdam.

Michael: Well, sure, playing the field is great, don't get me wrong, but there's more to life than notches just on my bedpost.
Toby: Mmhmm.
Michael: Tell me something honestly, do you... think... that it is too late for me to have kids?
Toby: Well, you need a wife first, or at least a girlfriend.
Michael: What about...
Toby: Not Jan.
Michael: ...Jan. Kay.
Toby: If you really want to have kids, I--- I guess you could somehow... foster parent, or something.
Michael: ...Or biologically.
Toby: Somehow.
Michael: Thanks, that's, no, that... that really means a lot to me. Hey, does Sasha have a godfather, because I...
Toby: Yes.
Michael: Oh... kay.

Toby: Didn't you lose a lot of money on that other investment, the one from the email?
Michael: You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly, asking for help, you help! His father ran the freaking country, okay?

Toby: Who brought in donuts?
Michael: Somebody got donuts for my birthday!
Toby: Happy birthday!
Michael: You didn't know it was my birthday.
Toby: I... guess I forgot.
Michael: Well, I guess I forgot to give you a donut [closes box].
Toby: Are you serious?
Michael: Mmm.




















Michael: There you are. Good news. Did some research. It turns out that 98% of people with skin cancer fully recover.
Kevin: Still scary.
Michael: Yeah, but it's not brain cancer. And it shouldn't stop us from having fun. You know what they say the best medicine is.
Kevin: Well the doctor said a combination of interferon and dicarbazine.
Michael: And laughter... also.
Toby: I don't really think people are in the laughing mood.
Michael: Why are you here? I didn't even invite you to my birthday party.
Toby: I work here.
Michael: [mocking voice] Nyeh, I work here. [to Kevin] Alright, well, you know what, since Toby doesn't speak for everybody and I am your boss, I... think you should just go home. Take the rest of the afternoon off. Take a sick day.

Toby: Hookah is not an illegal drug, Michael.
Michael: Yes it is.
Toby: No it's not. It's a type of pipe. You can fill it with tobacco, often mixed with fruit, or other flavors.
Michael: Okay, you know what, Toby? Pam, can you take this down? [Pam throws her hands up to indicate she has no notepad] In addition to Toby's urine being tested, I would like to test his blood and his hair.
Toby: You can't do that.
Michael: I can test anyone randomly, and I have chosen you randomly.
Toby: That's not random.
Michael: Okay, eeny, meenie, miney, moe, is random. Okay, you know what? I'm going to need a volunteer to select one of these words and tell us of something tragic that happened in either their lives, or the lives of a loved one. Yeah, Pam.

Toby: Here's how I usually handle this: all I do is listen.
Michael: Yeah?
Toby: These things just have a way of working themselves out.
Michael: Okay.
Toby: It's like if you write someone a letter, when you're really angry... they say to keep it in a drawer for a couple days. Then you just never end up sending it.
Michael: What do you know about conflict resolution? Your answer to everything is to get divorced. So...
Toby: Okay.
Michael: Okay... what?
Toby: That was the right decision for me and my marriage.
Michael: Yeah, well... that's not gonna fly here. Because in this office, it is till death do us part... assuming we don't get downsized. [leans over to Pam] Uh, Pam, will you get Angela and meet us in the conference room please?

Michael: Oh, and another fun thing. We, at the end of the night, are going to give the check to an actual group of Boy Scouts. Right, Toby? We're gonna...
Toby: Actually, I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children since it's... You know, there's gambling and alcohol, and it's in our dangerous warehouse and it's a school night... And, you know, Hooters is catering. You know, is that enough? Should I keep going?
Michael: Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun or exciting, you make it not... that way. I hate so much about the things that you choose to be. Okay, you know what? I will not donate my winnings to Comic Relief, since apparently it doesn't exist. I am going to donate to Afghanistanis with AIDS.